Category: Q & A

Emotions are meant to be felt, not controlled or suppressed. Actions, on the other hand, are entirely up to you.

As far as the ethical actions based on singular or shared romantic interest are concerned: generally speaking, what feels wrong to anyone involved, should be addressed by everyone involved, or presumed to be "morally wrong" if such a discussion/intervention isn't possible.

Thus, if you were to move forward without the knowledge of the "Other Significant Other", then it's fair to say that conduct is most likely unethical – and even in the few edge cases where the ethics are sound, or in flux, it's definitely bound for more headaches and frustrations than any heartfelt romance should ever need to be.

How ethical is it to be close friends with a taken person, which then turns into a romantic interest?

It's guaranteed to be irrelevant if he's not breaching stalking or harassment laws.

As much as you think he needs to get over you, you need to get over the need to have some control over him now that you're apart. You cannot be sure of what he will do, but you can spend an awful lot of time worrying about it, instead of moving on. Don't do that.

Instead, look inside, really ask yourself why you can't let go of thinking about him, and just work on whatever's keeping you from moving forward. Perhaps, someday, you'll even fire up google, and see where he's at yourself.

If my ex is not over me, then is it almost guaranteed that he will consistently Google my name and look at my Facebook?

I'd guess that the computational intensity of maintaining non-block "affinity blacklists" for each user doesn't have a corresponding payoff to make it worth doing. Similarly, I'm not sure people would want to "list ex-relationships", even privately within the system… For one thing, it would be a personal reminder… But sooner or later, the Zuckatroids would start using it to send you ads that would somehow relate back to that ex, and that would just be all bad.

Consider the occasional surfacing a "lesser of evils" – especially if you aren't willing to outright block her… Though, you may want to give that option, and why you're hesitant about it, some further thought.

Will Facebook ever be smart enough to not display ex's on the "People You Might Know" section?

In terms of etiquette, the more formal the invitation, the more rude it is to bring uninvited guests.

But as Roland Deschain would say, "the world has moved on." Expecting anyone to hold to any sort of predetermined and agreed upon rules of etiquette has become more limiting than comforting these days – in large part because we are both exposed, and have access to, a much larger social world/community. Which is a Very Good Thing™.

In that light, it is not accepted as generally rude to bring a friend along to when invited somewhere for something like coffee/drinks – unless it's clear that it's a one on one date. If you're unwilling to go the extra mile to make it clear you want to see her alone, then you must not only suffer the consequences, but would be a fool not to use the chance to gain an additional ally – her friend – in your romantic quest.

Being the kind of guy who welcomes surprises, copes with unexpected change, and is generally inviting and inclusive are incredibly desirable traits, and having her friend's corroboration that it's not just "in her head" is truly valuable. On the flip side, if you instantly "deflate", get more distant/distracted, or even cool to her friend, you're digging your own grave.

Long story short: rules be damned, seize every opportunity not only to impress your person of interest, but also his or her friends and family. Oh yeah, and be frickin' patient. Intention and expectation are two very different things! When you finally do have some "alone time" later on, the results should speak for themselves. 🙂

Is it rude to bring a previously unmentioned third person to coffee/drinks with a member of the opposite sex?

I think it's not about body mass ratio or fat percentage, so much as about health more generally – people who take care of themselves show a capacity to "take care" of others, in both the "Florence Nightingale" and "Florian Nightingal's All Nude Revue" senses.

Still, that leaves a huge swath of body types, height/weight combos, etc that are capable of "finding(*) true love"… The way to improve one's chances at love is to work solely on the aspects one can control. If one of those things is your weight, BMI, waistline, etc, go for it – if you do nothing other than show "true love" for yourself, then you will still have found it, no?

(* More on the finding issue here: Where and how can I find true love?)

Do thinner people have a better chance of finding true love?