Category: Q & A

There are few real cases where that "because" fits the sentence snugly. In the details, the querent switches off to "involved", which is totally fair, just, and common. So, let's go with "How does it feel when your girlfriend is involved with your job loss?" for now, and see what happens…

Okay, for me, I could honestly say this has sorta happened to me three times:

• I dropped out of college due to massive, sudden, unexpected heartbreak;
• I lost a chance at a promotion from IT into Internet Marketing, after a brief fling with the company webmaster (those late night website launches, argh!); and
• I lost my job due to a general executive team sweep, and then so did my coworker/subordinate, who was supposed to take my role in the interim, but was then falsely rumored to be my "girlfriend" – had to go for "security reasons". That one was the worst!

These situations may not map directly to your own. Heck, every situation is going to be very different, and seem very personal to you. The thing is, though, to the company, "none of it is personal".

This is in part why so many companies have rules or guidelines against in-house fraternization among staff (sometimes explicit, sometimes just overextended sexual harassment policies)… Basically, it just adds a layer outside the control hierarchy, a layer which can only affect the company in bad ways.

Sometimes that means a bad breakup plus a girlfriend/boyfriend with leverage means you get the boot… Sometimes it means you can't hire the best person for the job because you share matching rings and a last name. But it's just business. Bad business, maybe, but just business.

So, back to feelings. Basically, it sucks to lose your job for any reason. But it really sucks when you perceive the reasons to be something other than your work performance. But it's important to note – it may just be your perception. Those late night marathon sexcapades at the office may make you re-energized and excited to come into work the next morning, but someone has to pay the janitorial bills, and who's to say that your actual work results are improving?

Even if you're doing everything in your role with the company right, you're still massively screwing up in their eyes by not seeking romance elsewhere – I mean, I get it, with all the hours they expect us to work, who has free time to meet new people outside work… But still, being able to effectively keep things "all business" is hard enough with budgetary infighting and even who-gets-which-desks-after-the-move type office politics. Adding hormones and genetalia to the party doesn't always make it more fun for the guests[*].

So, I guess my point is, whatever the reason, but especially when love and sex are involved, you simply need to let go. When you're fired, the "why?" is infinitesimally less important than the "what next?" – and in this economy, trust me, you only have time to dwell on one. Best to host a real, physical funeral for your lost job, and mourn properly. A day, a week at most, and then right back on the horse. Otherwise, you'll wind up penniless and jobless after a two and a half year job hunt, like me… Answering questions on Quora while listening to the rain drip in through the hole in the roof that you can't afford to fix.

[* But please, tell me where those parties are, and I'll do my best to help. ]

How does it feel to lose your job because of your girlfriend?

I agree with Jane Huang, though perhaps my narcissipower is greater than hers, because I can definitely see less "altruistic uses" of the site.

As someone who is currently "lazily seeding" his blog with old Quora answers, I totally understand where this question is coming from… In a lot of ways, the directed nature of Quora helps with writer's block, and by staying within a few key topics, one could even create some thematic consistency to help with blog audience acquisition/retention, SEO and that sort of thing (I totally fail at that bit, btw – weaving together answers about sex, food, comic books, and the Internet… Okay, maybe those are a lot more related than I give them credit for, but still).

I've even seen some of the Quora regulars' own blogs occasionally acknowledge that a given post was inspired by a question/answer on Quora, or even a debate in the comments.

So, overall I'm just saying that Quora makes for a great place to work on one's writing style and tone, to tighten up language used, or let it fly loosey-goosey, to experiment with extremely technical answers, or bitingly sarcastic ones. If done right, all these little experiments wind up also being good answers to varying degrees – serving both the Quora community's needs, as well as one's own.

Still, I'd say that the odds of Quora becoming a blogging platform by default is a lot like the odds of a Wiki site, or even a community forum doing the same…
To me, it's more of a square-rectangle issue… Quora definitely has a format and process that can inspire (or kickstart) blogging within the site or externally. Trying to come in as a blogger, and declare Quora your chosen platform? Well, it's less than ideal in a lot of the same ways that Facebook or Twitter aren't ideal blogging platforms either (though for many people, it is their only blog-like outlet).

Is Quora the future of blogging?

Yup. But neither illegal, nor terribly frowned upon by men, who are mostly happy if the tactic results in a greater-than-normal influx of female patrons.

Sexism, in practice, is a highly subjective issue… Sexism where men are the object-victims generally needs to really "raise the bar" before the average man will care – after all, protesting ladies' night is more likely to eliminate such an event, rather than secure any sort of "guys' night" equivalent – the net result being fewer women at the bar/club.

You could also argue a sexist angle in which women are suffering from the benefit of ladies' night, since it basically urges conformity to a dynamic wherein women "pay admittance with their bodies", which commodifies them on some level. I'm not sure many men would be sympathetic to that argument, however.

As to the point about drink specials – I refuse to accept any argument that reducing or increasing the price of an alcoholic beverage in any way removes an individual's responsibility to monitor and pace their own drinking, or that such variable pricing has a direct relationship or responsibility to non-consensual drunken sex play. If that were true, CostCo would be the booze-rape capital of the world.

Interestingly, in at least some places where such objections have been lodged, I have seen/heard of clubs that have replaced their ladies' night with "miniskirt night", or "heels night", and happily admit men for free who are willing to wear the appropriate attire. To me, this is a win on a number of levels, since any man who wishes free entrance will, at least in some small way, have a greater understanding of the objectification of women in modern western society.

Are ladies' nights sexist?

It could be as simple as agreeing with one's partner to only eat unhealthy desserts in front of each other(*), and then sneaking a Frosted Pop Tart as a treat during an especially hard work day… Perhaps if it had been a quick breakfast purchase, it wouldn't even be "cheating" in context… But since it's a reward, presumably unrelated to actual caloric intake needs, it breaks the rule. And it's breaking the rule that's ultimately the bad thing, not which rule was broken.

To that end, I'd say that cheating is anything that steps outside previously-established boundaries, without prior re-negotiation of limits.

Where people tend to get into trouble, is that they don't treat such "small infractions" like the Pop Tarts as seriously and consistently as larger gaffes (kissing a coworker after a long post-work drinking session, say), and thus set up internal dissonance and misunderstandings about "the rules", and how bad it is to bend/break them.

Equally common, is just running a relationship based on mutual prior assumptions of what would be allowed, rather than creating the rules from scratch in a manner that creates an "optimal fit". In the startup world, the equivalent is trying to skimp on legal fees by stealing a competitor's TOS page from their web site, and find-and-replacing in a different company name. It might work for a while, and it's certainly a great strategy for a "doomed" effort, because it saves money/time/energy… But the more successful you are, the more a can of worms it becomes, and the harder it becomes to resolve before something truly bad happens.

In the relationship coaching I do, and the singles I see, both of the above trouble spots represent the bulk of frustration with a struggling relationship, even when no one is "breaking the rules". Ideally, rather than relying on their own preconceived notions, or even the definitions of others like me, each active member of a relationship should create, communicate, and collaborate on their own definition of and boundaries around cheating, and then stick with that.

If that sounds like too much work for something that should "just be understood, based on traditional mores", then you may be wise to also adopt another common tradition: turning a blind eye to cheating for the sake of the relationship.

Now does all that work I mentioned really still sound so bad? 😉

(* For those in relationships looking to lose a few pounds, this works pretty well if you can stick to it.)

How do you define cheating in a romantic relationship?

A few quick points:

• Everyone makes mistakes.
• Do you really want your friends to control your love life?
• Doing hurtful things does not make you a hurtful person.
• Forgiving and Forgetting Are Two Different Things.

Ultimately, only you can determine whether or not you have the personal emotional strength to move forward with the relationship… If you're both willing and desire to do so, then the main issue you'll need to work on is how to rebuild trust between you, and how best to negotiate the boundaries of your relationship moving forward. Most of the time, cheating isn't about the sex, but rather about the betrayal/deception/lack of fidelity inherent in the act.

Depending on how bothered you are by the one night stand itself, you may even look into alternatives to the monogamous relationship style. Sometimes, the love you have can grow and thrive, regardless of what other loves may exist.

Assuming you'd like to continue the relationship, and that you would like it to remain monogamous, then the best thing to do is to stop leaning on your friends for support, and open yourself directly to your girlfriend – try to discuss how you feel about what she did, rather than about what she did wrong. Right or wrong, if it hurts you, that's all that matters in the context of your relationship. If she listens, and indicates a sincere desire to move forward, then set more explicit boundaries and limits – perhaps certain parties or outings tend to provoke her drinking to excess, for example, and should be avoided, or attended with you or not at all.

Finally, you finish your question by saying "I just love her too much to let go. :("… To me, the direct opposite should be true – if you truly love her, and respect yourself, you need to be willing to let her go.

Otherwise, it's entirely possible that at some level, you're more in love with having a girlfriend, then in love with your specific girlfriend. And that, my friend, does not bode well for long term happiness, and could even foreshadow a damaging cycle of emotional or even physical violence between you.

What should I do if my girlfriend got drunk and had a one night stand with a stranger?