Author: Deano

Too late! Everyone is already experiencing numerous relationships of all different types – friendships, coworkers, bus mates, team members, etc.

What is important in each of these relationships is not a state value (in the querant's case, marriage), but rather the underlying understanding between participants in any given relationship, and how well those expectations match.

I'm reading a lot into this question that isn't being said, but assuming the question is about romantic/sexual relationships before marriage, then the answer is simply "if that's what works for everyone involved, go for it!"

Additional details would be most appreciated if I'm missing the point, but the last things you generally want to do in any type of relationship are base your satisfaction on the expectations of others (especially those outside the relationship itself), and use assumptions and past personal experience as a guide over simply communicating and negotiating a successful relationship in. More active and intention-based fashion.

Should one enter a relationship without intending to get married?

You should clarify your question a bit to include your own racial background. If you aren't white (and, preferably, blond), the answers will vary a bit more widely.

Asian countries, by and large, still hold a significant "attraction factor" that defies basic logic, though in some countries (most notably Japan), the instances of abuse by both civilians and military personnel, "players" dumping girls post-sex, and other stories of 'crazy American dudes' has enough of a history that Americans are not the hot commodity we once were…

Eastern Europe is another good choice – decent mix of indigenous peoples, muslims, and Christians – the Christians will tend to be the most interested, especially in white guys. Bonus points – due to long decades of largely Soviet rule, the desired qualities in a boyfriend/potential mate are wildly different from Western Europe and the US – physical qualities and attractiveness has a LOT more leeway, let's just leave it at that.

On the flip side, more "ethnic" Americans tend to still do better than averages would suggest in Northern Europe – the grass really is always greener, I guess.

Overall, though, it's a tough time to be a single American man overseas. You have a lot to answer for, the Bush years still linger, and people will seemingly endlessly pepper you with questions about US foreign policy – most of which you won't have a clue about, since so little of what we do "out there" ever reaches our ears back home. This does have some carry-over into dating – sure, the girls might like you, but if you get flustered over politics/religion/gay rights/etc when having dinner with her parents, yikes.

You could always stitch a maple leaf onto your backpack, practice saying "a boot" until you can merge it into a single word, and try to pass as Canadian – but you didn't get that advice from me.

In which countries are single American men perceived most attractively by women?

[ DISCLAIMER – the following are general-use guidelines, and no longer fully capture a set of "next steps" for the original querent, apart from step 2. ]

You do the same thing when you get any other number:

1. Call back within a day or two, and invite her to be part of your plans[*].
2. Continue to get more numbers.

Follow this amazing two step plan, and you will quickly start to do a few things:

• Individual number "wins" will mean less to you, since they will seem less rare overall – most women already have a bit of this advantage, they can more objectively measure the merits of a potential mate due to perceived 'options'. You must strive to also have this objectivity, even if you have no desire for alternate date selections.
• If you are still interested despite the inconvenient drive and other (more local) options, then just go with that feeling and see how it develops. Sitting in your room, you can always think up reasons why just about anything won't work. Only by making real-world effort can you find out how often you are wrong about this.

Basically, the most important thing in deciding whether or not to date someone is establishing firmly that the desire to do so comes entirely from within you. Dating people because they are hot for you, or even because they are within a certain distance, is almost always a bad idea. The only real benefit of dating someone close by is that it's usually less hassle to arrange the right number of dates to figure out you shouldn't have any more.

[* As for plan specifics, I highly recommend initially focusing not on traditional dinner dates (even with your "unique spin") – but rather on keeping your own individual social calendar filled with opportunities{†} that you would love to attend by yourself, and then inviting them along if you think they would also enjoy that activity without you. This results in giving your love interest the impression that you do have a life already without him/her, date itineraries that contain more ways to win than lose, and also far less pressure on producing a specific outcome… Leaving you both free to let whatever will happen, happen, in the least artificial manner possible. ]

{† Recursive footnotes – interesting… Anyway, as Brian Fey mentioned, at least for a first date, it's not a bad idea to eliminate as many of her obstacles as possible, including her travel time to/from the date location… To meld the two ideas together, once you meet someone who is outside your usual "sphere of activity", simply start researching events for your standard interests in the new location – especially for a place like the bay area, this can help greatly and quickly collapse the "six degrees" of your social/hobby circles, as you will inevitably start meeting people who know people you know 'back home'. }

I got a phone number from a girl, then found out she lives an hour away. What do I do?

By and large, EVERYONE prefers the same thing: a friendly direct approach that expresses interest, without desperation.

The unfortunate truth is, in most rooms, it's too easy for a guy to assume a woman is smiling at someone else, or perhaps smiling at something she finds "funny" in a non-complimentary way. In fact, most of the men I've worked with have, at one point or another, been mis-cued: they thought they were being smiled at, when the woman was actually looking over their shoulder at someone else. 

I'd say if you're interested, you've got nothing to lose by approaching a man you're interested in – except perhaps another dateless Saturday night. 😉

Do single men prefer to be directly approached by a woman, or do they prefer a smile from across the room?

This is actually pretty simple:

• Be interesting enough in your own right to merit an approach to begin with – you can be a perfectly average LOOKING guy in the coffee shop, but maybe you're reading a treatise on "The Effects of Polluting the Pacific Gyre on Sealife" on your Kindle the same day a "Women in Marine Biology Symposium" is happening right around the corner.
• Provide an easy, no-pressure "invitation" for her to approach – in the example above, it's the book/article, but if could be as simple as a funny T-shirt, exotic piece of jewelry, or other visual/passive form of "peacocking"… On the active side, perhaps you can succeed at winning over the crowd on karaoke night (or, conversely, fail with extreme gusto).

The key is not to show some "generic flash" of money/wealth, but to provide her an excuse to walk up to you from across the room to say "hi" without any awkward assumptions of romantic interest, that clearly corresponds to one of your own talents/interests/passions.

That way, the women approaching you will already be "tuned in" to you on some level, and the initial spark of conversation you have will be much less nerve-wracking/pressure-filled.

Don't try to keep the conversation going until it runs out of gas. When things seem to be going really well, excuse yourself (even if just for a bathroom break), and suggest continuing the conversation again at a later date… Get a phone number, email, facebook, etc, before you turn from "the hot guy who remembers my favorite 80s cartoon" into the "creepy guy obsessed with old 80s cartoons".

What are the easiest ways to get a woman to hit on you?