Category: Q & A

The key component to an open healthy relationship is creating safety around honest communication.

By creating a safe environment and protocol for personal expression and discussion, it becomes possible to talk about anything with confidence that your partner will listen to you, and focus on how to move forward together, rather than sitting in judgment, or focusing on placing blame, "changing the rules", or the like.

Every relationship is based on mutual understandings forged at the outset. And every relationship changes over time. It is vital for success, then, that every relationship "hold space" for open discussion without fear of punishment or retribution.

This isn't the same as saying that any transgressions in a relationship (cheating on a spouse, say) need to be forgiven, merely that discussing attraction to someone outside the relationship before any cheating occurs should be something that has its place – to encourage a re-negotiation or reconfirmation of boundaries, at the very least.

This kind of support process doesn't happen overnight, and even long term relationships can suffer from a "crusting over" of assumptions, or a weariness to "have to talk about every little thing that comes up". Nevertheless, problems and assumptions that aren't addressed when they're still new/small, will just keep growing, until they become impossible to solve, even when you both agree you want to solve them. It's a lot like going to the gym – start off slow, gauge your limits, and then make it a regular part of your routine until you actually like "going there".

What are some good ways to uncover implicit judgment in personal relationships?

Does he look anything like this?
Then, he's probably flirting with you.
But not, unfortunately, a nice guy.

How can I tell if a nice guy is flirting with me?

In a word? Novelty.

I talk to myself every day – and I pretty much know, based on years of such interaction, what I'm likely to say back. Now and then, I'll surprise myself, and feel an immense creative spark, or "unsticking" of a problem… But 9 times out of 10, that process is much faster if the majority of the talking is done with other humans, who carry different life histories, perspectives, and conversational styles.

It's the newness, the surprise, and the unexpected delight (or, sure, sometimes horror) of interpersonal interaction that makes them so powerful a force in our lives.

Why do people talk to each other?

The easiest guide is "when they ask for it, or are uncomfortable with a lack of privacy".

This is the rule that is the informal basis of mixed parent-child groups attending Japanese publlic baths – right now, I have no issues bringing my 3 year old with me to the men's bath… But eventually, she's gonna start noticing a whole lot of weiners, without matching buns and condiments, and she'll start saying things like "I can wait for mommy to go".

For slightly more difficult things like multiple children sharing a bedroom, you need to compare available resources, the genders of the involved children, and also any other underlying factors (fighting, for example) that may be the root of the desire for their own space.

Ultimately, it's going to be issues around when it's appropriate for you as a parent to invade your child's privacy for the greater good… And that usually doesn't happen until they're a lot more independent, and old enough to generally understand the benefits of privacy.

So long as you have some clear guidelines to communicate/negotiate with your child, and behave consistently within them, then you should have the restrictive/punitive side covered… And letting everything else "fall into place naturally" as far as when they start receiving/earning privacy is going to map best to your individual child's development process.

Some kids figure out that they don't want to be naked at the beach really early on – and some kids make it into their 90s without every having this realization. Best not to try and enforce any rules that don't risk your child's safety or incur you specific trouble with The Law™ before they show some sign of wanting/being ready to accept such rules, and the attendant benefits they provide.

At what age does a child earn or require privacy?

Feelings are perceptual, and thus always real to the person feeling them.

Actions, however, are pretty much real to everyone who experiences or is affected by them – and either or both females' own reciprocal feelings may certainly change or even become less "real" as a result of the action (cheating) mentioned.

If a guy cheats on his girlfriend with his ex, does he not have real feelings for either girl?