Category: Q & A

I was asked to give an answer, and I'm providing two: one that directly addresses the request for a "pick up line", and one that may address the larger issue of expressing interest in, and building attraction with, someone with Asperger's Syndrome.

Pick up line: "I dunno anything about Asperger's, but those buns sure look well done to me."

General tactic: you can think of Asperger's Syndrome as just sitting near a behavioral/cognitive extreme, or perhaps more accurately at several extremes for various aspects of personality. The normal rules apply, it's just that some of the rules apply "double".

In relating with and connecting to people with Asperger's Syndrome, the number one element that works is this: a very deep understanding of Asperger's Syndrome, to the point where you can start differentiating between what is pathologic, and what is simply a personal quirk of your love interest.

As for how best to approach and attract specifically, the consensus seems to be a combination of the following:

• knowledge
• patience
• tolerance
• independence
• self-confidence
• flexibility (of mind and opinion – though I'm also convinced that being able to visually inspect one's own butt has a pretty universal appeal)
• patience
• clarity/simplicity (of focus, communication, you name it)
• patience
• patience, again!

You may start to notice a theme or pattern above, namely that pursuing a relationship with an Aspie requires a lot of patience, and I might even say a sort of "detachment" – to outcomes, expectations, and anxiety.

If being in a relationship is part of what makes you whole, then you won't be able to tolerate some of the treatment you are likely to receive over time… And indeed your object of interest may find YOU to be less interesting, as well.

Tactically, I'd recommend simply focusing on your mutual interests and aptitudes, and crafting several "no strings invitations" to events/activities she's likely to enjoy on her own.

Never try to pawn something off as "merely friendly", in the hopes of becoming more later – what is normally just pathetic may come off as genuinely dishonest, or even confused. Similarly, the example pickup line written above is actually a terrible one to use with an Aspie. Unless, of course, they are also obsessed with wordplay (in which case they'll probably simply miss that you're hitting on them)

Instead, make it clear that you are interested, but that you're also happy to share these adventures regardless of outcomes. And, most importantly, make sure that it's actually true.

What are the best pick-up lines to use on a woman who has Asperger's Syndrome?

Just like most relationship issues, the best course of action is to clearly and non-violently communicate your desires – that you need more time to resolve your issues around your breakup, and would appreciate the time/space required to do so.

You're not telling her to jump off a bridge, just that by trying to "force" a smooth friendly post-breakup relationship isn't working for you. It's possible, or even likely, that you'd be open to such interaction in the future, but in order to get there, you need her to focus on her other relationships and responsibilities for the time being.

Now, asking for space is not the same as having your request honored. If she's unable to respect your point of view, then you will need to more actively cut her out of your life, even if that means taking various "anti-stalking" measures (new phone number/email/address if necessary). It really depends on the severity of the issue… I'd err on the side of caution and protecting your own emotional health, especially as the "dumpee".

Still, in most cases, a genuine and heartfelt request for space will be appreciated and observed. You may even score a few attraction points with someone else viewing from the sidelines – Handling a breakup well is a sign of high emotional intelligence, and women tend to like that in a partner.

What should I do about my ex-girlfriend who dumped me and won't get back together with me, but won't stop talking to me?

Too late! Everyone is already experiencing numerous relationships of all different types – friendships, coworkers, bus mates, team members, etc.

What is important in each of these relationships is not a state value (in the querant's case, marriage), but rather the underlying understanding between participants in any given relationship, and how well those expectations match.

I'm reading a lot into this question that isn't being said, but assuming the question is about romantic/sexual relationships before marriage, then the answer is simply "if that's what works for everyone involved, go for it!"

Additional details would be most appreciated if I'm missing the point, but the last things you generally want to do in any type of relationship are base your satisfaction on the expectations of others (especially those outside the relationship itself), and use assumptions and past personal experience as a guide over simply communicating and negotiating a successful relationship in. More active and intention-based fashion.

Should one enter a relationship without intending to get married?

You should clarify your question a bit to include your own racial background. If you aren't white (and, preferably, blond), the answers will vary a bit more widely.

Asian countries, by and large, still hold a significant "attraction factor" that defies basic logic, though in some countries (most notably Japan), the instances of abuse by both civilians and military personnel, "players" dumping girls post-sex, and other stories of 'crazy American dudes' has enough of a history that Americans are not the hot commodity we once were…

Eastern Europe is another good choice – decent mix of indigenous peoples, muslims, and Christians – the Christians will tend to be the most interested, especially in white guys. Bonus points – due to long decades of largely Soviet rule, the desired qualities in a boyfriend/potential mate are wildly different from Western Europe and the US – physical qualities and attractiveness has a LOT more leeway, let's just leave it at that.

On the flip side, more "ethnic" Americans tend to still do better than averages would suggest in Northern Europe – the grass really is always greener, I guess.

Overall, though, it's a tough time to be a single American man overseas. You have a lot to answer for, the Bush years still linger, and people will seemingly endlessly pepper you with questions about US foreign policy – most of which you won't have a clue about, since so little of what we do "out there" ever reaches our ears back home. This does have some carry-over into dating – sure, the girls might like you, but if you get flustered over politics/religion/gay rights/etc when having dinner with her parents, yikes.

You could always stitch a maple leaf onto your backpack, practice saying "a boot" until you can merge it into a single word, and try to pass as Canadian – but you didn't get that advice from me.

In which countries are single American men perceived most attractively by women?

[ DISCLAIMER – the following are general-use guidelines, and no longer fully capture a set of "next steps" for the original querent, apart from step 2. ]

You do the same thing when you get any other number:

1. Call back within a day or two, and invite her to be part of your plans[*].
2. Continue to get more numbers.

Follow this amazing two step plan, and you will quickly start to do a few things:

• Individual number "wins" will mean less to you, since they will seem less rare overall – most women already have a bit of this advantage, they can more objectively measure the merits of a potential mate due to perceived 'options'. You must strive to also have this objectivity, even if you have no desire for alternate date selections.
• If you are still interested despite the inconvenient drive and other (more local) options, then just go with that feeling and see how it develops. Sitting in your room, you can always think up reasons why just about anything won't work. Only by making real-world effort can you find out how often you are wrong about this.

Basically, the most important thing in deciding whether or not to date someone is establishing firmly that the desire to do so comes entirely from within you. Dating people because they are hot for you, or even because they are within a certain distance, is almost always a bad idea. The only real benefit of dating someone close by is that it's usually less hassle to arrange the right number of dates to figure out you shouldn't have any more.

[* As for plan specifics, I highly recommend initially focusing not on traditional dinner dates (even with your "unique spin") – but rather on keeping your own individual social calendar filled with opportunities{†} that you would love to attend by yourself, and then inviting them along if you think they would also enjoy that activity without you. This results in giving your love interest the impression that you do have a life already without him/her, date itineraries that contain more ways to win than lose, and also far less pressure on producing a specific outcome… Leaving you both free to let whatever will happen, happen, in the least artificial manner possible. ]

{† Recursive footnotes – interesting… Anyway, as Brian Fey mentioned, at least for a first date, it's not a bad idea to eliminate as many of her obstacles as possible, including her travel time to/from the date location… To meld the two ideas together, once you meet someone who is outside your usual "sphere of activity", simply start researching events for your standard interests in the new location – especially for a place like the bay area, this can help greatly and quickly collapse the "six degrees" of your social/hobby circles, as you will inevitably start meeting people who know people you know 'back home'. }

I got a phone number from a girl, then found out she lives an hour away. What do I do?