Month: August 2011

Given that you mentioned "long term relationship girlfriend", then I'd advise a course that breaks from the norms as much as possible, gets you out of your comfortable routines ("date night", really?!?), and restores spice and energy to your love life:

• Pretend you're leaving Berkeley the next day – what are the absolutely "must do's" on both your lists that you haven't hit? Similarly, what are some of the key memories of times together/inspiration in your relationship that you could call to mind by adding them to your itinerary? If the date isn't fun, try to…
• Pretend you've both just moved to Berkeley – using only the knowledge of guidebooks, weekly newspapers, and ads posted in the nearest laundromat, plan a date/tour of the area as "prefroshes in love" or some such… It's like taking a vacation in your home town – when you can see it (and your partner) with fresh eyes, every day gets a little bit brighter. If that's still not working, then…
• Get outta Berkeley! – As a San Francisco Bay Area resident myself, the one thing I've noticed talking to people around here, regardless of where they are from: they tend to know a small subset of their town/city, and very little of the surrounding area(s). BART up to Walnut Creek and get lost in the strip malls (and make out in the parking lot between a couple minivans). Head to Emeryville for a romantic walk through Ikea, imagining how each piece of furniture will fit in your imagined dream home… Then cap it off with a candlelit (LED candles advised) dinner in the cafeteria upstairs. Hit the fine bars and bowling alleys of Albany – be a proud townie couple for the evening, and shelve things intellectual until the sun rises.

Three suggestions, not too detailed in terms of locations, I will admit – because, in the grand scheme, no "great location" is going to turn the humdrum existence of an LTR into the spark that burned your hearts and loins when you first met… Your goal is to find that spark, in large part by keeping your perspective fresh, and looking at your surroundings and each other with new eyes.

What's a good plan for "date night" with a long-term relationship girlfriend around Berkeley?

Your answers are likely to be bounded greatly by personal preferences when asking so specfically – for me, drinks at the bar in a nice upscale restaurant would be ideal, since:

• We could stick to drinks-only without ruffling anyone's feathers, and stay as long as we liked, or
• We could (in most cases) order appetizers, or even entrées off the menu to share, as a way to test the cuisine, without breaking the bank on a full course

Still, what you do on the date pales in importance to how you do it…

Make sure to present her with multiple invitations:

• To try something new (drink, appetizer, word game, whatever)
• Share her thoughts, opinions, background information (try to listen more than talk, good for her ego, as well as getting a feel for what she might like/hate in a second date)
• To relax and enjoy herself without expectations or even intentions beyond having a wonderful time with you

Above all, remember that in many ways that the first date is a lot like a first job interview, or the first investor pitch – the goal is simply to get another interview/meeting/date, not to achieve any of the more "traditional milestones" (first kiss, makeout, sex, etc).

I got a hot date Fri night! Dinner or drinks? I've heard you can do one but not both. Drinks seems more fun. Thoughts?

How will you deal with your girlfriend turning 40?

Change in relationships are pretty much the only constant in relationships*.

The best way to deal with changes in your partner over which you have no control is:

• Introspection – figuring out why the change upsets you
• Communication – using Nonviolent Communication techniques to explain your feelings to your partner
• Negotiation – finding a good "middle road" that allows you both your personal freedom to grow as individuals, while walking the same path together
• Resignation – letting go of the need to "win" the negotiation phase, and to not only tolerate, but move on from whatever outcome you can both agree on.

If you can do those four things effectively, you should be well on your way to resolving just about any issue you'll face. Just how to establish and conduct these four steps is the subject of a much longer post, though there is literally a few metric tons of information available in the printed literature: http://amzn.to/g3iD71

*Also, be open to exploring the other constant of relationships – the ending. If you can see how you'd like it to look in order to be considered a "success", and see how different/how far off that looks, you should have a much easier time weathering whatever immediate storms stand in your path.

How do I deal with my girlfriend turning religious?

Honestly and compassionately. Covers all three scenarios, and makes you a #winner regardless of the outcome.

If you want a specific "go to" script, then you're overestimating the ability of preparation to save the day. Rather, work on "being present/ready" in the moment, and being thoughtfully responsive instead of reactive.

How might one respond when a girl tells you that she likes you?

What's it like to be the gym partner of a hotdog eating champion?

In both cases, despite an apparent correlation, they are two entirely different, mostly-unrelated things.

Too absurd? Let's take the original question, and modify it only slightly:

What's it like to be in a long-term relationship with a Chinese person?

Certainly a bit presumptive, if not offensive, no?

Pickup artists utilize a set of skills and talents to hyper-condense the initial introduction/attraction phase of getting to know someone, largely in the hopes that that knowledge can become biblical at some point. That's it.

While very few "pickup routines" would be useful in a long term relationship, the overall strategies of "be the best you possible" and "fulfillment comes from within" are certainly great cores for long term relationships… So long as one is able to both retain an independent identity and respectfully communicate and negotiate with someone else at the same time. It's harder than it looks, but no harder for pickup artists than the rest of us…

What's it like to be in a long-term relationship with a pick-up artist?