Author: Deano

My wise Uncle Pete(*) once passed this advice to me(†) as he drove me home from Pee-Wee Soccer in his rad van(˚) one summer afternoon:

• cherry and strawberry-flavored Pixy Stix poured straight on your tongue will fill your mouth and saliva with sweet flavor for approximately 24 minutes, without horribly discoloring it the way, say, grape or blue raspberry-flavor would.
• In a pinch, any red Jolly Rancher, allowed to melt in the mouth without biting/chewing it, will provide a similar benefit, though for about half as long.
• Under no circumstances is Lik-M-Aid to be used as a substitute to either of the above solutions.

If none of these seem to work out for you, perhaps consider taking a breather from kissing entirely.

Make it a challenge for the whole family, with your children as the judges/referees, ensuring compliance. Giving them a leadership role like this can help to show that you trust and respect them and their decisions.

Also, find a healthy alternative method of expressing affection with your children (with a whole Internet out there, I'm sure something's been invented by now), and use it consistently in place of kisses. 10-20 pushups should do the trick, and may even slowly open their eyes to the benefits of the more subtle kiss. If not, at least they'll have some badass imposing biceps and pectorals to show for it the next time a stranger tries to pick them up in his van.

(* not really my uncle)
(† non-verbally)
(˚ redundant, I know)

My young kids think kisses are gross. Not in a fun, little kid kind of way; it's become an issue in our family. How do we bring the love and positive emotions back to kissing in our family?

The same way they would react when non-butch lesbians, non-lesbian butches, or non-butch-non-lesbians get physically violent:

• By clearly indicating no offensive intentions, and no desire to fight,
• By disarming the situation if at all possible to get everyone back to their "happy place", or
• By retreating or defending their position as necessary to survive until escape is achieved, or local authorities can intervene.

How should straight men react if lesbians get physically violent?

The worst place to be gay? The Appendix.

• When it's not interfering with things, you feel somewhat personally insulted that the gay part of you is basically useless, or that you've somehow 'evolved out of needing it'.
• When it's causing trouble, it's even worse – "removing the gay bits" makes you feel better, and you get ice cream afterwards[*]. It's like being Born Again Christian for the day.
• The word itself sounds like an adult software store for android devices – it's a little too open to puns and innuendo, while remaining otherwise completely un-sexy.

[*I'm reasonably sure this is true, since I saw it on the Brady Bunch.]

What is the worst place to be gay?

I'm surprised no one has brought up the obvious:

One makes a much more unpleasant noise in the pot as it is dying.

Er…

I'm TOLD.

Why is it morally acceptable to boil a live lobster but not a live cat?

My own distorted point of view of the major issues:

• High percentage of residents and visitors from other parts of the country, and other countries, where "things work differently", and that prevents a consistent, dominant driving style (as you see in, say, Boston, which has high turnover due to the colleges, but still predominantly New England/East Coast-sourced).
• Really bad infrastructure – sometimes the "fast lane" is the one without potholes. 😉
• Really bad "road spaghetti" – lanes added, removed, under construction, left-side exits and ramps, many highway splits with little advance warning, etc… People tend to get into the lane(s) that will be split off the way they're headed, and a lot of the time (say, heading into SF from Oakland on the I-880), those will be the left lanes.
• Mountains – building large highways in this terrain is cost-prohibitive, so a lot of Bay Area highways are two lanes (or even one) in each direction where the topological maps get bumpy. Of course, one lane each way means no fast lane at all – but given the population and number of daily drivers commuting an hour or more each way to/from work, even the two lane highways are basically now "without a fast lane", simply due to traffic loads and congestion.

To the querent, I sympathize. I moved to the SFBA from Boston, land of unified and total aggression on the roads. Worse, I was born and raised in Minnesota, which (until recently, I guess) had some of the best maintained highways in the country, in large part due to the winters – you either pay to keep things clean, or you pay more to re-pave. Out here, it's the "Wild Worst" – the roads are a death sentence for your vehicle's suspension, and the people are a death sentence for you and the rest of your car. 😉

Why do people on Bay Area highways drive so slowly in the left lane?