Category: Q & A

Whenever anyone personally asks me about a similar situation, my quick advice is this: after you've dated ten other people.

In a perfect world, that'd be ten each for:

• you,
• the ex,
• AND your best friend.

But, make a solid effort yourself, and you'll give the other two time to get over their relationship, and/or reconcile. If you still feel the urge after dating ten other people, you'll have a lot more "supporting evidence" that the ex and you getting together had nothing to do with your BF and the ex breaking up, which is primarily what you're trying to avoid.

The worst thing would be to create a competitive love triangle, and potentially lose both of them.

How much time should I wait before I hit on my best friend's ex?

It sounds like you're leaning a little too hard on your shyness, when you're clearly enterprising enough to consider some pretty adventurous maneuvers in the workplace. 😉

I'd recommend you first list out everyone you're attracted to at work, and perhaps class them by how sad your personal and professional lfe would be if each of them never spoke to you again. Then, for the "least valuable" possibility, recruit her as your wing/confidante, asking for help in meeting women, showing off your best side, etc… Don't involve her in your plot to pursue women at work, just in general.

With luck, she will have some pity on you, and perhaps introduce you to a few guys who have skills, or take you to a party or two filled with her available friends.

The main goal is to pursue at least one total stranger first, for every woman at work you are attracted to… This is mostly to gain relevant experience and confidence in simply having bad dates – after the first few, it definitely sucks less, and you start to learn which things you can work on to improve the outcome overall… It also helps to keep at least some of your social failures isolated from the workplace… While there are varying levels of stigma attached to pursuing a coworker, there's pretty universal derision for those guys who pursue multiple workmates, as it seems quite LAZY and not a sign of a confident capable and desirable partner.

I could go into further detail, but each case usually has its own twists and turns that would go against more general advice… I'd be happy to discuss your individual case one on one (no charge!), once I know more of the details, I can help devise a specific "training program" to get you to the "top of your list", and at least give you a fair shot with her.

How should I hit on a geeky woman at my workplace?

You have many advantages as a geek that will help you in dating in the US, especially in SFBA/SV… With a little patience, even the accent will become an extreme attractor if handled correctly.

I realize this is a bit over personalized/focused as an answer on Quora… In the more general case, immigrants should do more or less what local geeks do – find 1-2 easily communicable ways to show off one's particular geekiness, take small focused steps each day – tracking progress as you go, and treat the entire experience as a CBT exercise or other scientific study… That way, your particular missteps are more instructive and useful, and less demoralizing.

Anyway, offer stands, you're totally NaviDate member material, and once our local events get started (BADDEST, see my profile for more info), you'll definitely have a large field of female geeks to pick from at least once every couple weeks or so. 😉

How should a geeky immigrant find (and hit on) a local geeky woman?

I love the easy questions!

You don't.

Don't confuse your own needs and frustrations with those of your girlfriend.

• If she's happy to give rides/money/etc to her friend, respect that.
• If you are feeling neglected/hurt/attacked by the friend's actions or behaviors, express that directly and with clear examples of how you were physically/emotionally injured.

You goal isn't to force or even convince your girlfriend to take your desired action(s), nor is it to lay down some form of ultimatum. Simply be open to sharing your feelings, and your desires around your shared relationship, without stepping on your girlfriend's other connections or her own feelings.

If she cannot listen to your point of view, and is unwilling to work with either or both of you on an amicable resolution, then the real question is this: why stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect your feelings, and isn't interested in working on improving your relationship?

And while it should go without saying, be open to compromise. It's not about getting everything you want, but rather about being confident that you are free to share these types of issues/feelings with each other without fear of reproach.

How do I get my girlfriend to stop talking to a girl who is not really her friend?

Well, in the literal sense, he wouldn't be a "loser of virginity", anyway. 😉

Seriously, though, I'd say more like "patient and selective", overall.

Still, one is young for only so long, and in homosexual circles, there seems to be something particularly prized about YOUNGER gay men… So, one fairly common negative about waiting is potentially reducing the size of the available pool of willing mates. Heterosexual women have much the same problem.

The key is, there's very little lost if none of those "yummy candy" type sex partners aren't what you're looking for outside the bedroom if all you want is a relationship. That said, for a lot of people, good sex is a very important part of their relationships… So again, waiting too long may keep you from finding out that you're a ravenous man-whore who thrives on random bootylicious action.

Overall, again, I'd say it's your choice, but personally I'd love to see the definition of losing virginity redefined as the SECOND time you have sex – so you can make a conscious decision based on personal experience. Then, perhaps, everyone could discount the whole "how do you know if you've never tried" aspect of things, while they still have those hour-long erections of youth that might otherwise stay off the market.

Would a 25-year-old homosexual man who's never had sex be considered a "loser"?