Category: Q & A

The best lovers, why that'd have to be Geological engineers!

• No qualms about digging into dirty holes.
• They know better than to mess around with miners.
• They will rock your world like no other.
• They won't be as judgmental if you want to get stoned afterwards.
• Avid Spelunkers. 'Nuff said.
• They will exhaustively map your topography with respect and care.
• And lastly, they're the only engineers who can ask "am I boring you?" in a way that turns you on even more.

Which kind of engineers make the best lovers?

If you're sure he's gay, you might just lay it all out and ask for advice.

Otherwise, suggest a perfectly normal platonic activity you both might enjoy.

The trick is, honestly, to just be there to enjoy yourself, and make friends who may be suitable for other things as well… Don't try to "make up for lost time", or "catch up on being gay"… Just start opening the real you up a bit more until you're fully comfortable in your new "out" skin, and make a habit of meeting people, inviting them out, and just letting your new life happen. 

After a while, some natural patterns/best practices for dealing with crushes may emerge, but for now just try not to get trapped too much by goals and expectations, they have a bad habit of putting a weird tinge on relationships of all kinds.

As a newly "out" gay guy, how do I tell another guy that I have a crush on him, without sounding creepy or pathetic?

Can't pull the band-aid off much slower than this… Tell me, does it really feel any better?

Not being able to honestly communicate with your fiancée sets an extremely bad precedent for any potential marriage. To cave because her tears shows you both to be extremely selfish people –

• her for the manipulation itself (intentional or subconscious),
• and you for not wanting to be the cause of her hurt

Good relationships aren't formed on avoiding hurt feelings, but rather on making the inevitable hurt feelings more than worth it, and using them to help you grow stronger together.

If you really want to get through this process with minimal pain and anguish, you'll need to:

• Withstand her tears, and know that the pain she feels is something within her, not caused by you.
• Use Nonviolent Communication techniques, or even simple E-Prime language to best describe your own feelings, and ask her to respect them.
• Make sure it's what you really want, then get it done as quickly and respectfully as possible.

The sooner the two of you have split, the sooner you can both move on with your lives. Get. It. Done.

Also, as an aside, consider this – if you think the nature of your work could influence any personal relationship directly, you probably need a little more time for personal introspection, and/or much more practice in effectively communicating your desires in life with any potential future partner.

What is the best way to break up with my fiancee?

No.

It's not appropriate to assign your feelings of hurt to your boyfriend's actions. The two are related, but not causal.

Let me give another example: I could say "the bank is hurting me by not letting me withdraw more than my balance from the ATM". And, it could be true that I might wind up hurt if I can't get the money (shouldn't have spent all that time in Atlantic City talking smack about the Mob). Still, ultimately, it's up to ME to resolve my own hurts, potential or realized.

That said, it's imperative that you do share your feelings. But do try to find a way to do it that doesn't make YOUR hurt your BOYFRIEND'S fault, or that forces an ultimatum or compromise with his other relationships.

If you're the studious type, it may pay dividends to read up on Nonviolent Communication, in order to best ascribe your feelings to yourself in a way that will best encourage your boyfriend to listen to, understand, and even empathize with your point of view.

Another good "shorthand" for tying your feelings back to yourself is to write out how you feel using E-Prime, which is a form of English that eliminates all forms of the verb "to be". For example, the E-Prime version of your question might read something like:

• How do I tell my boyfriend I feel uncomfortable, lonely, and/or jealous of his friendship with certain girls?

Simply put, don't try to exert control over others -instead, listen to yourself, and express yourself fully as a means to achieving good self-awareness and self-control. If your boyfriend doesn't understand or won't listen, then re-evaluate the longterm potential of the relationship.

Is it ok to tell my boyfriend his friendship with certain girls hurts me?

Another option is to "shoot the moon":

Tell your girlfriend EVERYTHING YOU OWN IS FROM AN EX GIRLFRIEND. If she gives you any trouble, just lift an eyebrow, and ask plaintively "come to think of it, what have you done for me lately?"

I totally agree that giving up the boxers, in the pragmatic scheme of things, is a great way to defuse an isolated issue. But it's also the slightest sliver of a sign that your girlfriend may have over-arching insecurities that will, in the longer run, cause much larger problems in your relationship…

As Marie Stein said, it's old underwear versus sex. I'd simply argue that at some point in many relationships, the old boxers win that fight – and if you ever foresee that being the case down the road, then you're best off ditching your girlfriend now before you run completely out of comfortably tasteful skivvies.

What should I do if my girlfriend wants me to stop wearing some boxers that my ex-girlfriend gave me?