Deano’s answer to: “What diet produces the least feces?”

To me this is two different questions – which produces the least feces, and which is most absorbed.

There are various real-life situations in which reducing fecal output is a necessity. In those situations, a diet that induces extreme constipation will, in the most literal sense, "produce the least feces", for a while, at least (potentially days up to a week or more). Banana Fried Rice, anyone?

The latter case, diets in which foods are most absorbed, are really much more likely to be "diets in which most of your food is water"… Things like watermelon, or celery (remove the strings first). Though there are some standouts in the "real foods" category – rare red meat, eggs, and goat's milk are all highly nutritive and add little to your "southbound mass". Raw, as opposed to cooked corn is also said to be highly digestible, though I refuse to believe it based on local outputs during the season. Certain starches, like potatoes (peeled), also have some potential to approach a high absorption ratio, though a lot of it depends on the means of preparation. Oh yes, and blending just about anything down to liquid form will help, you know, a LOT (though really you're just trading the door for the window, so to speak).

I'm hesitant to work up anything approaching a full diet plan, though careful study of the Atkins and South Beach diets should get you about 2/3s of the way there… Then just work to balance what they see as the "gainers" with those foods that are hard to absorb. And, you know, don't do it!

There's a great reason your body wants to push waste through you on a regular basis, and when gamed for long periods, colo-rectal health issues may arise. I'm not a doctor(*), but with the exception of avoiding embarrassment during an imminent anal porn shoot, there are very few – if any – good reasons to use fecal reduction as a goal in one's diet.

What diet produces the least feces?

Deano’s answer to If you ate poop, what would actually happen?

I’d like to ask in reply, “Whose poop are we talking about?

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Cooked properly, something like domestic cat poop – which usually has high protein content – could actually be quite nutritive (though still not healthy to eat)… Just ask any local dogs what they think – it’s better than dog treats!


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More reasonably, you might try searching the internet for “Kopi Luwak“, which is a special (and extremely expensive) coffee made from Civet Feces, and generally regarded as one of those eccentric delicacies, rather than an overt health risk. Okay, I’m cheating there, because it’s a drink, but you could always brew up a batch, and turn it into Kopi Luwak Chip Ice Cream!


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If you’re ever suffering from bacterial dysentery in the desert, you may ask a local Bedouin for some fresh camel feces – the stuff contains Bacillus Subtilis, which is a natural antibiotic. I do not (wait for it…) make this shit up: German soldiers fighting in the African Campaign during WWII used this homeopathic solution when supplies ran low, with great efficacy(*). In fact, using feces as a medium to ingest foreign bacterial flora when one is deficient in same can be a viable treatment of certain ailments. Still, you’re probably better off sticking to yogurt.


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But, of course, you don’t really care about animal poo, do you? Let’s just cut to the chase, then: If you eat human feces, the most likely outcome is that you will become extremely ill from bacterial or viral infection by one or more of the following:

  • E. Coli
  • Hepatitis A
  • Hepatitis E
  • Viral Pneumonia
  • Polio
  • Influenza

When in doubt, stick with the excretions of herbivorous animals, eat in small quantities as a survival-stage technique only, and if you have a microwave or other bacteria-killing device handy, use it!

(* Carved from the interesting Wikipedia entry:…)

If you ate poop, what would actually happen?